WiT Part I

I have been sending the Wits to some of my friends since past 6 months. I thought of compiling all of them, so that anybody can read it at one go.
These are divided into various sections. The principal reason for this is that many of the witty one-liners dont make strong punch, if context is not clear.

Social Behaviour and Mannerisms :

A gentleman never insults someone unintentionally. - Oscar Wilde

Love your enemies - it will drive them nuts. -Eleanor Doan

Why be disagreeable, when with a little effort you can be impossible? - Douglas Woodruff

If you wait for a repairman, you will wait all day. If you go out for 5 minutes, he will arrive and leave while you are gone. - Arthur Bloch

A lot of people never use their initiative because nobody ever tells them to. - Mary Allen

There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule. - Stephen Potter

The intelligence of the planet is constant and the populations is growing. - Arthur C Clarke

An optimist is a guy that never had much experience. - Don Marquis

An expert is a man who never makes small mistakes. - Tom Phillips.

Never learn to do anything; if you dont learn, you will always find someone else to do it for you. - Mark Twain.

I once gave a waiter a tip - I told him never to step out of a moving bus. - Groucho Marx.

“When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?’…”

Don't bother telling people your troubles. Half of them dont care and the other half figure you probably had it coming. - Josh Billings.

I don't know whether the world is full of smart men bluffing or imbecils who mean it. - Morrie Brickman.

I'm going to memorise your name and throw my head away. - Oscar Levant.

Anyone who lies about Gore Vidal is doing him a kindness. - William F. Buckley.

He knew the precise psychological moment when to say nothing. - Oscar Wilde.

After much consideration, consultation and meditation, we have come to the conclusion that metriculation examination is a botheration for Indian nation whose occupation is cultivation. - George Bernard Shaw.

You will never get bored of me. Of course unless you are awake. - Tushar Kulkarni

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients. - Oscar Levant.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain.

Repent or be damned. If you have already repented, please disregard this notice. - Patric Murray.

There are several good preacautions against temptation but the surest is cowardice. - Mark Twain.

A man usually has no idea what is being said about him. The entire town may be slandering him, but if he has no friends he will never hear of it. – Honore de Balzac.

Do unto the other fellow the way he’d like to do unto you, but do it first. – Edward Westcott.

It was embarrassing. I felt like a figure skater who had forgotten to put on her knickers. – Hugh Leonard.

I hate to spread rumours: but what else can one do with them? - Amanda Lear.

My motto is “My rights or I bite.” - Clarinda Breujere.


Business and Money :

Saving is a fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities. -Frank Lloyd Wright

If a man sits down to think,he is immediately asked if he has a headache. -Ralph Emerson

A habit of debt is very injurious to the memory. - Austin O'Malley

One difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets. - Roy l. Schaefer.

I gave Allen an unlimited budget and he exceeded it. - Edward Williams.

Women prefer men who have something tender about them - especially the legal kind. - Kay Ingram.

I wish that dear Karl could have spent some time acquiring capital instead of merely writing about it. - Jenny Marx (Mother of Karl Marx)

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. - Herbert Hoover.

The first rule of business is - do other men for they would do you. - Charles Dickens.

Never answer a letter until you get a second one on the same subject from the same person. - Michael O'Hagan.

Tell your boss what you really think about him and the truth shall set you free. - Patric Murray.

I could have done the job myself in twenty minutes, but as things turned out I had to spend two days to find out why it had taken someone else three weeks to do it wrong. - J.L. McCafferty.

What's the use of happiness ? It can't buy you money. - Henry Youngman.


Drink and Other Drugs :

Beauty lies in the eye of the beerholder. - W.C. Fields.

Drink is your enemy- Love your enemies. - W.C. Fields.

I never drink water - Look at the way it rusts pipes. - W C Fields.

It has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep and never to refrain when awake. - Mark Twain.

I drink therfore I am. - W. C. Fields.

Work is a curse for drinking classes. - Oscar Wilde.

There are more old drunks than old doctors. - Francois Rabelais.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W. C. Fields.

Reality is an illusion created by lack of alcohol. - N.F. Simpson.

A total abstainer is a kind of man you wouldn’t want to drink with even if he did. – George J. Nathan.

I got Mark Helliger so drunk last night it took three bellboys to put me to bed. – W.C. Fields.

I’d give up smoking but I’m not a quitter. – Jo Brand.

Good Heavens! How marriage ruins a man! Its as demoralizing as cigarettes and far more expensive. – Oscar Wilde.

Yes, I do have a drinking problem: there’s never enough. – Denis Thatcher.


Education :

Any student will tell you that the longest 5 minutes in the world are the last 5 minutes of a lecture, while the shortest 5 minutes are the last 5 minutes of an exam.
-- Karl Newell

The only people who learn from computer-assisted instructions are the authors of the software. - Ben Schneiderman

Foolproof systems do not take into account the ingenuinity of fools. - Gene Brown.

The university has turned out many fine young men - it turned out me too. - Josh Billings.

Those who think they know it all are especially annoying to those of us who do. – Harold Coffin.

My school report on mathematics read “Four per cent: Effortlessly achieved.” - Godfrey Smith.

My school colours were “clear”. – Steven Wright.

Fifty percent of this country’s school children have IQs below average. Under our education policy, we can turn that around. – John Clarke.

Given a choice of weapons with you, sir, I would choose grammar. – Halliwell Hobbes.

All the convent taught me was that if you spit on a pencil eraser, it will erase ink. – Dorothy Parker.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? - Jack Handey.

Fourteen years in the professor dodge have taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no one reads such essays. – Robert Parker.

School is just a jail with educational opportunities. – Robertson Davies.

History is just a distillation of rumour. – Thomas Carlyle.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. – David Letterman.

I told my father I was punished in school because I didn’t know where the Azores were. He told me to remember where I put things in future. – Henry Youngman.

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. – Philip Streifer.

I have three A-levels: one in pure mathematics and one in applied mathematics. – Spike Milligan.

A class reunion is a meeting where three hundred people hold in their stomachs for four hours while writing down the names and addresses of friends they’ll never contact. – Brenda Davidson.

The chapter of the Fall of Rupee you may omit. It is somewhat too sensational. – Oscar Wilde.

A fool’s brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence university education. – George Bernard Shaw.


Food:

I eat merely to keep my mind off food. N. F. Simpson.

A Nuclear Power Plant is infinitely safer than eating because three hundred people choke to death on food every year. - Dixy Lee Ray.

I cant cook. I use a smoke alarm as a timer. - Carol Siskind.

Mosquitos see Elizabeth Taylor and shout "buffet". - Joan Rivers.

I am a light eater. As soon as it is light, I start to eat. - Art Donovan.

I'am on diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore. - Emma Bombeck.

We lived for days on nothing but food and water. - W.C.Fields.

Cursed is he that uses peanuts when the recipe calls for almonds. - Christopher Driver.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball.

Eat at this restaurant and you'll never eat anywhere else again ! - Bob Phillips.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get. - George Burns.

Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup. - Henry Miller.

No one goes to that restaurant anymore - it's too crowded. - Yogi Berra.

I am on a grapefruit diet. I eat everything except grapefruit. - Chi Chi Rodriguez.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favourite food is seconds. - Joan Rivers.

Ice-cream is exquisite - what a pity it isn't illegal. - Voltaire.

McDonald's in Tokyo is a terrible revenge for Pearl Harbour. - S.I. Hayakawa.

Never trust a thin cook. - Charlotte Wright.

The older you get, the better you get: unless you are a banana. - Rose Nylund.

It is time to go on a diet when the prudential offers you group insurance. - Totie Fields.

I just love animals, especially in good gravy. - Freddie Starr.

As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. - Buddy Hackett.

Auntie said grace in a clear authoritative voice: “O Lord, what we are about to receive, may it pass through us peacefully.” - Kerr Donald.

A refrigerator is a place where you store leftovers until they’re old enough to throw out. – Al Boliska.

I eat in someone else’s restaurant only if I’m thinking of buying it. – Marco Pierre White.

He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it, hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart. – C.S. Lewis.

I’d like to force-feed supermodels with chocolate éclairs and keep them tied up so they couldn’t exercise. Much easier to make them look like you than you try to look like them. – Jo Brand.

Eternity is tow people and a roast turkey. – James Dent.

And this one takes the cake …..or is it ice-cream ?

Food that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice-cream, frozen pies and popsicles. – Lewis Gizzard.