WiT Part II

I have already published WiT Part I. It had Wits related to Social Behaviour & Mannerisms, Business & Money, Drink & Other Drugs, Education and Food.
In this section, I have tried to cover some more topics.


Lawyers and Other Professions :

I haven't committed a crime. All I did was fail to comply with the law. - David Dinkens.

Equality under the law forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets and to steal bread. - Anatole France.

Lawyers make a living out of trying to figure out what other lawyers have written. Will Rogers. ( Same is the case with us Software Engineers. )

A majority is that quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. - Ambrose Bierse.

I have nothing against undertakers personally. It's just that I wouldn't want one to bury my sister. - Jessica Mitford.

When I came back to Dublin, I was court-martialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. - Brendan Behan.

Its not the people who are in prison that worry me. It's the people who aren't. - Arthur Gore.

A lawyer is a learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it to himself. - Henry Brougham.

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses a lamp post - more for support than illumnation. - Andrew Lang.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies. - Stephen Leacock.

Statistics are like loose women; once you get your hands on them you can do anything you like with them. - Walt Michaels.

There are lies, damn lies and statistics. - Mark Twain.

You may leave the court with no other stain on your character other than the fact that you have been acquitted by an Irish jury. – Maurice Healy.

A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns. – Mario Puzo.

A lawyer is the larval stage of a politician. – Ambrose Bierce.

Dice are small polka-dotted cubes of ivory, constructed like a lawyer to lie on any side. – Ambrose Bierce.

I don’t believe that man is woman’s natural enemy. Perhaps his lawyer is. – Shana Alexander.

A journalist a someone who stays sober right up to lunch time. – Godfrey Smith.

I don’t mind hecklers, because I know how to ignore people: I was an airline stewardess. – Jo-Ann Deering.

Epitaph on a dead writer: By and by, God caught his eye. – David McCord.

Four-fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on tombstones, women and competitors. – Lord Dewar.

The policeman who arrested me asked what I was doing between 106 and 108 miles an hour. “107”, I said. – Alan Davies

With Congress, every time they make a joke it’s a law and every time they make a law it’s a joke. – Will Rogers.


Literature :

When I was asked to write my autobiography, I asked them "On What?" -- Chris Eubank.

Truman Capole's death was a good career move. - Gore Vidal.

God cannot alter the past. That's why He had to create so many historians. - Samuel Butler.

Lord Byrun had just two commandments - hate your neighbour and love your neighbour's wife. - Thomas B Macaulay.

I have nothing to say, I am saying it and that is poetry. - John Cage.

I would cheerfully pay George Bernard Shaw's funeral expenses at any time. - Henry Irwing.

It was a book to kill time for those who like it better dead. - Rose Macaulay.

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation. - George Bernard Shaw.

Robert Bridge's anthology, The Spirit of Man, is like a vomit after a rich meal. - A.C.Benson.

James, why don't you write books that people can read. - Nora Joyce.


Living, Family and Relations :

One of the most difficult things in this world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. - Edgar Howe.

My wife finds it difficult to envisage me as the end product of million years of evolution. - Bob Barnes.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - George Burnes.

He was a good family man. Everywhere he went, he started a new family. – Liam O’Reilly

Fathers should neither be seen not heard. That is the only proper basis for family life. – Oscar Wilde

Children are nature’s very own form of birth control. – Dave Barry.

If you don't clean your house for two months, it doesn't get any dirtier. - Quentin Crisp.

Insanity is heriditary; you can get it from your children. - Sam Levenson.

Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off. - Ralph Bus.

You cannot be happy with a woman who pronounces the first 'd' in Wednesday. - Peter de Vries.

I do wish I could tell you my age, but it is impossible. It keeps changing all the time. - Greer Garson.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat. - Fran Lebowitz.

The trouble with children is that they are not returnable. - Quientin Crisp.

When a woman says ' I don't wish to mention any names', it ain' necessary to mention any names. - Kin Hubbard.

I am so that I have had to put off the date of my death. - Bertnand Russel

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for excercise. It registered seven on Richter scale. - Les Dawson.

At my age flowers scare me. - George Burns.

I am going home next week. It's a kind of emergency - my parents are coming here. - Rita Rudner.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. - Rita Rudner.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from the another. - H.L. Mencken.

Love is temporary insanity curable by marraige. - Ambrose Bierce.

I am the only man in the world with a marraige liscence made out "to whom it may concern". - Mickey Rooney.

Marraige is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel. - Leonardo da Vinci.

If you want the world to beat the path to your door, just try to take a nap on Saturday afternoon. - Sam Ewing.

We stayed at the Royal Martin Hotel where we collapsed into bed only to be eaten alive by mosquitos which could break a child's leg with a kick. - W.C. Fields.

Any resemblance between Chico and Harpo and living persons is purely coincidental. - Groucho Marx.

I never go to bed because so many people die there. - Mark Twain.

This time of year fills me with sadness. It was ten years ago today that I lost my wife. I'll never forget that poker game. - Henry Youngman.

Hello Aunty ... Hello ... Hows your throat now ?? .... Hello ... HELLO ......... - Tushar Kulkarni

I am my biggest critic, I mean to say by weight. - Tushar Kulkarni

Not everybody hates me; only the people who've met me. - Emo Philips.

I think women deserve to have more than twelve years between the ages of twenty-eight and forty. - James Thurber.

Bachelorhood, like being alive, is more depressing than anything but the known alternative. - P.J. O'Rourke

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half. - Gracie Allen.

All I desire for my own burial is not to be buried alive. - Lord Chesterfield.


My son has taken up meditation. At least it’s better than sitting and doing nothing. – Max Kauffman.

I cannot see why there is all this fuss about the human race being perhaps wiped out in the near future. It certainly deserves to be. – Philip Larkin.

My husband and I have discovered a foolproof method of birth control. An hour with kids before bedtime. – Roseanne Barr.

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom. – Bob Hope.

They told me that as I get older, I would get wiser. At that rate I should be a genius by now. – George Burns.

The trouble about being retired is that you never get a break from it. – Tom Farmer.

Meal time is the only time in the day when children resolutely refuse to eat. – Fran Lebowitz.

My uncle was a great man, he told me so himself. “I am a great man,” he said, and you cannot argue with facts like that. – Spike Milligan.

Personally, I have nothing against work, particularly when performed quietly and unobtrusively by someone else. – Barbara Ehrenreich.

I was in show business when the Dead Sea wasn’t even sick. – George Burns.

Dear wife, I acknowledge receipt of your complaint number 387,501. – W.C. Fields.

The morning the wife and I broke up broke up you could hear a pin drop in your house. I didn’t see the hand grenade in her other hand. – Roy Brown.

A man who won’t lie to a woman has very little considerations for her feelings. – Olin Miller.

She said she would scream for help. I told her I didn’t need any help. – Bob Hope.

I don’t know if he is dead or not, but they took the liberty of burying him. – James Joyce.

Of all forty-two alternatives, running away is best. – Will Rogers.

I am the oldest man living, especially at seven in the morning. – Robert Benchley.

I hate the word housewife; I don’t like the word home-maker either. I want to be called “domestic goddess”. – Roseanne Barr.

If you have never seen a total eclipse just watch the groom at a wedding. – Herbert V. Prochnow.

True maturity is reached only when a man realizes he has become a father figure to his girlfriends’ boyfriends: and he accepts it. – Larry McMurty.

When in doubt, use brute force. – Ken Thompson.

Although I am prepared for martyrdom, I was willing to have it postponed. – Winston Churchill.

It is an unwritten law that teenagers must dress alike to assert their independence. – Joyce Armor.

Am I happy? What do you take me for, an idiot? - Charles De Gaulle.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house and she said “Get the hell of my property.” - Joan Rivers.

Nothing you can’t spell will ever work. – Will Rogers.

May your troubles in the coming New Year be as short-lived as your resolutions. - E.C. McKenzie.

When you get married, the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to. - Yakov Smirnoff.

A sweater is a garment worn by a child when its mother is feeling chilly. – Ambrose Bierce.

My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. – George Carlin.


Media :

A woman complimenting me on my act one night told me she hadn't laughed so much since her husband died. - Victor Borge.

Del Prete has as much charm as a broomstick with a smile painted on it. - John Simon

TV is a wonderful invention. It lets a person in New York see someone in Los Angeles suffering from acid indigestion. - Jack Cassidy.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television. - Fred Allen.

Never judge a book by its movie. J.W.Eagan.

I am an honest plagarist. I accept that I plagarise, but wont say what. - Tushar Kulkarni

Radio and Television sure are funny - all except the comedy programs. - Fred Allen.

The critics were very kind to our film. It was the word of mouth that killed it. - Arthur Askey.

Television is chewing gum for the mind. - Frank Lloyd Wright.

In every movie scene which includes a person carrying a bag of groceries, the bag will invariably contain a long, skinny French baguette loaf, and exactly 8.5 inches will be exposed. - Michael J. Pilling.

A party was thrown in Hollywood in 1966 for the wrap up of the Marlon Brando film A Countess from Hong Kong. The party was such a success and the film such a flop, it was suggested that they should dump the film and release the party. - Brian Behan.

Several tons of dynamite are set off in the movie Tycoon; none of it under the right people. - John Agee.

The only good acting you see nowadays is from the losing nominees on Oscar Night. - Will Rogers.

Bo Derek does not understand the concept of Roman Numerals. She thought we fought in World War eleven. - Joan Rivers.

There was a vaudeville actor who died and left an estate of eight hundred hotel and Pullman towels. – W.C. Fields.

My performance in Hamlet was not as bad as the critics claimed. I neither waived to my friends in the audience not walked through the scenery. – Kenneth Tynan.

Lillian Gish may be a charming person, but she is not Ophelia. She comes on stage as if she had been sent out for to sew rings on the new curtains. – Mrs. Patrick Campbell.

Jamie Lee Curtis has trouble learning her lines because English is not her first language. She doesn’t, unfortunately, have a first language. – John Cleese.

Godspell is back in London. For those who missed it the first time, this is a golden opportunity to miss it again. – Michael Billington.

I’m glad you liked my portrayal of Catherine the Great. I liked her too. She ruled over thirty million people and had three thousand lovers. I do the best I can in two hours. – Mae West.
____________________________________________________________________

WiT Part I

I have been sending the Wits to some of my friends since past 6 months. I thought of compiling all of them, so that anybody can read it at one go.
These are divided into various sections. The principal reason for this is that many of the witty one-liners dont make strong punch, if context is not clear.

Social Behaviour and Mannerisms :

A gentleman never insults someone unintentionally. - Oscar Wilde

Love your enemies - it will drive them nuts. -Eleanor Doan

Why be disagreeable, when with a little effort you can be impossible? - Douglas Woodruff

If you wait for a repairman, you will wait all day. If you go out for 5 minutes, he will arrive and leave while you are gone. - Arthur Bloch

A lot of people never use their initiative because nobody ever tells them to. - Mary Allen

There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule. - Stephen Potter

The intelligence of the planet is constant and the populations is growing. - Arthur C Clarke

An optimist is a guy that never had much experience. - Don Marquis

An expert is a man who never makes small mistakes. - Tom Phillips.

Never learn to do anything; if you dont learn, you will always find someone else to do it for you. - Mark Twain.

I once gave a waiter a tip - I told him never to step out of a moving bus. - Groucho Marx.

“When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?’…”

Don't bother telling people your troubles. Half of them dont care and the other half figure you probably had it coming. - Josh Billings.

I don't know whether the world is full of smart men bluffing or imbecils who mean it. - Morrie Brickman.

I'm going to memorise your name and throw my head away. - Oscar Levant.

Anyone who lies about Gore Vidal is doing him a kindness. - William F. Buckley.

He knew the precise psychological moment when to say nothing. - Oscar Wilde.

After much consideration, consultation and meditation, we have come to the conclusion that metriculation examination is a botheration for Indian nation whose occupation is cultivation. - George Bernard Shaw.

You will never get bored of me. Of course unless you are awake. - Tushar Kulkarni

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients. - Oscar Levant.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain.

Repent or be damned. If you have already repented, please disregard this notice. - Patric Murray.

There are several good preacautions against temptation but the surest is cowardice. - Mark Twain.

A man usually has no idea what is being said about him. The entire town may be slandering him, but if he has no friends he will never hear of it. – Honore de Balzac.

Do unto the other fellow the way he’d like to do unto you, but do it first. – Edward Westcott.

It was embarrassing. I felt like a figure skater who had forgotten to put on her knickers. – Hugh Leonard.

I hate to spread rumours: but what else can one do with them? - Amanda Lear.

My motto is “My rights or I bite.” - Clarinda Breujere.


Business and Money :

Saving is a fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities. -Frank Lloyd Wright

If a man sits down to think,he is immediately asked if he has a headache. -Ralph Emerson

A habit of debt is very injurious to the memory. - Austin O'Malley

One difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets. - Roy l. Schaefer.

I gave Allen an unlimited budget and he exceeded it. - Edward Williams.

Women prefer men who have something tender about them - especially the legal kind. - Kay Ingram.

I wish that dear Karl could have spent some time acquiring capital instead of merely writing about it. - Jenny Marx (Mother of Karl Marx)

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. - Herbert Hoover.

The first rule of business is - do other men for they would do you. - Charles Dickens.

Never answer a letter until you get a second one on the same subject from the same person. - Michael O'Hagan.

Tell your boss what you really think about him and the truth shall set you free. - Patric Murray.

I could have done the job myself in twenty minutes, but as things turned out I had to spend two days to find out why it had taken someone else three weeks to do it wrong. - J.L. McCafferty.

What's the use of happiness ? It can't buy you money. - Henry Youngman.


Drink and Other Drugs :

Beauty lies in the eye of the beerholder. - W.C. Fields.

Drink is your enemy- Love your enemies. - W.C. Fields.

I never drink water - Look at the way it rusts pipes. - W C Fields.

It has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep and never to refrain when awake. - Mark Twain.

I drink therfore I am. - W. C. Fields.

Work is a curse for drinking classes. - Oscar Wilde.

There are more old drunks than old doctors. - Francois Rabelais.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W. C. Fields.

Reality is an illusion created by lack of alcohol. - N.F. Simpson.

A total abstainer is a kind of man you wouldn’t want to drink with even if he did. – George J. Nathan.

I got Mark Helliger so drunk last night it took three bellboys to put me to bed. – W.C. Fields.

I’d give up smoking but I’m not a quitter. – Jo Brand.

Good Heavens! How marriage ruins a man! Its as demoralizing as cigarettes and far more expensive. – Oscar Wilde.

Yes, I do have a drinking problem: there’s never enough. – Denis Thatcher.


Education :

Any student will tell you that the longest 5 minutes in the world are the last 5 minutes of a lecture, while the shortest 5 minutes are the last 5 minutes of an exam.
-- Karl Newell

The only people who learn from computer-assisted instructions are the authors of the software. - Ben Schneiderman

Foolproof systems do not take into account the ingenuinity of fools. - Gene Brown.

The university has turned out many fine young men - it turned out me too. - Josh Billings.

Those who think they know it all are especially annoying to those of us who do. – Harold Coffin.

My school report on mathematics read “Four per cent: Effortlessly achieved.” - Godfrey Smith.

My school colours were “clear”. – Steven Wright.

Fifty percent of this country’s school children have IQs below average. Under our education policy, we can turn that around. – John Clarke.

Given a choice of weapons with you, sir, I would choose grammar. – Halliwell Hobbes.

All the convent taught me was that if you spit on a pencil eraser, it will erase ink. – Dorothy Parker.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? - Jack Handey.

Fourteen years in the professor dodge have taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no one reads such essays. – Robert Parker.

School is just a jail with educational opportunities. – Robertson Davies.

History is just a distillation of rumour. – Thomas Carlyle.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. – David Letterman.

I told my father I was punished in school because I didn’t know where the Azores were. He told me to remember where I put things in future. – Henry Youngman.

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. – Philip Streifer.

I have three A-levels: one in pure mathematics and one in applied mathematics. – Spike Milligan.

A class reunion is a meeting where three hundred people hold in their stomachs for four hours while writing down the names and addresses of friends they’ll never contact. – Brenda Davidson.

The chapter of the Fall of Rupee you may omit. It is somewhat too sensational. – Oscar Wilde.

A fool’s brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence university education. – George Bernard Shaw.


Food:

I eat merely to keep my mind off food. N. F. Simpson.

A Nuclear Power Plant is infinitely safer than eating because three hundred people choke to death on food every year. - Dixy Lee Ray.

I cant cook. I use a smoke alarm as a timer. - Carol Siskind.

Mosquitos see Elizabeth Taylor and shout "buffet". - Joan Rivers.

I am a light eater. As soon as it is light, I start to eat. - Art Donovan.

I'am on diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore. - Emma Bombeck.

We lived for days on nothing but food and water. - W.C.Fields.

Cursed is he that uses peanuts when the recipe calls for almonds. - Christopher Driver.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball.

Eat at this restaurant and you'll never eat anywhere else again ! - Bob Phillips.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get. - George Burns.

Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup. - Henry Miller.

No one goes to that restaurant anymore - it's too crowded. - Yogi Berra.

I am on a grapefruit diet. I eat everything except grapefruit. - Chi Chi Rodriguez.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favourite food is seconds. - Joan Rivers.

Ice-cream is exquisite - what a pity it isn't illegal. - Voltaire.

McDonald's in Tokyo is a terrible revenge for Pearl Harbour. - S.I. Hayakawa.

Never trust a thin cook. - Charlotte Wright.

The older you get, the better you get: unless you are a banana. - Rose Nylund.

It is time to go on a diet when the prudential offers you group insurance. - Totie Fields.

I just love animals, especially in good gravy. - Freddie Starr.

As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. - Buddy Hackett.

Auntie said grace in a clear authoritative voice: “O Lord, what we are about to receive, may it pass through us peacefully.” - Kerr Donald.

A refrigerator is a place where you store leftovers until they’re old enough to throw out. – Al Boliska.

I eat in someone else’s restaurant only if I’m thinking of buying it. – Marco Pierre White.

He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it, hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart. – C.S. Lewis.

I’d like to force-feed supermodels with chocolate éclairs and keep them tied up so they couldn’t exercise. Much easier to make them look like you than you try to look like them. – Jo Brand.

Eternity is tow people and a roast turkey. – James Dent.

And this one takes the cake …..or is it ice-cream ?

Food that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice-cream, frozen pies and popsicles. – Lewis Gizzard.