WiT Part II

I have already published WiT Part I. It had Wits related to Social Behaviour & Mannerisms, Business & Money, Drink & Other Drugs, Education and Food.
In this section, I have tried to cover some more topics.


Lawyers and Other Professions :

I haven't committed a crime. All I did was fail to comply with the law. - David Dinkens.

Equality under the law forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets and to steal bread. - Anatole France.

Lawyers make a living out of trying to figure out what other lawyers have written. Will Rogers. ( Same is the case with us Software Engineers. )

A majority is that quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. - Ambrose Bierse.

I have nothing against undertakers personally. It's just that I wouldn't want one to bury my sister. - Jessica Mitford.

When I came back to Dublin, I was court-martialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. - Brendan Behan.

Its not the people who are in prison that worry me. It's the people who aren't. - Arthur Gore.

A lawyer is a learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it to himself. - Henry Brougham.

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses a lamp post - more for support than illumnation. - Andrew Lang.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies. - Stephen Leacock.

Statistics are like loose women; once you get your hands on them you can do anything you like with them. - Walt Michaels.

There are lies, damn lies and statistics. - Mark Twain.

You may leave the court with no other stain on your character other than the fact that you have been acquitted by an Irish jury. – Maurice Healy.

A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a thousand men with guns. – Mario Puzo.

A lawyer is the larval stage of a politician. – Ambrose Bierce.

Dice are small polka-dotted cubes of ivory, constructed like a lawyer to lie on any side. – Ambrose Bierce.

I don’t believe that man is woman’s natural enemy. Perhaps his lawyer is. – Shana Alexander.

A journalist a someone who stays sober right up to lunch time. – Godfrey Smith.

I don’t mind hecklers, because I know how to ignore people: I was an airline stewardess. – Jo-Ann Deering.

Epitaph on a dead writer: By and by, God caught his eye. – David McCord.

Four-fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on tombstones, women and competitors. – Lord Dewar.

The policeman who arrested me asked what I was doing between 106 and 108 miles an hour. “107”, I said. – Alan Davies

With Congress, every time they make a joke it’s a law and every time they make a law it’s a joke. – Will Rogers.


Literature :

When I was asked to write my autobiography, I asked them "On What?" -- Chris Eubank.

Truman Capole's death was a good career move. - Gore Vidal.

God cannot alter the past. That's why He had to create so many historians. - Samuel Butler.

Lord Byrun had just two commandments - hate your neighbour and love your neighbour's wife. - Thomas B Macaulay.

I have nothing to say, I am saying it and that is poetry. - John Cage.

I would cheerfully pay George Bernard Shaw's funeral expenses at any time. - Henry Irwing.

It was a book to kill time for those who like it better dead. - Rose Macaulay.

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation. - George Bernard Shaw.

Robert Bridge's anthology, The Spirit of Man, is like a vomit after a rich meal. - A.C.Benson.

James, why don't you write books that people can read. - Nora Joyce.


Living, Family and Relations :

One of the most difficult things in this world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. - Edgar Howe.

My wife finds it difficult to envisage me as the end product of million years of evolution. - Bob Barnes.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - George Burnes.

He was a good family man. Everywhere he went, he started a new family. – Liam O’Reilly

Fathers should neither be seen not heard. That is the only proper basis for family life. – Oscar Wilde

Children are nature’s very own form of birth control. – Dave Barry.

If you don't clean your house for two months, it doesn't get any dirtier. - Quentin Crisp.

Insanity is heriditary; you can get it from your children. - Sam Levenson.

Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off. - Ralph Bus.

You cannot be happy with a woman who pronounces the first 'd' in Wednesday. - Peter de Vries.

I do wish I could tell you my age, but it is impossible. It keeps changing all the time. - Greer Garson.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat. - Fran Lebowitz.

The trouble with children is that they are not returnable. - Quientin Crisp.

When a woman says ' I don't wish to mention any names', it ain' necessary to mention any names. - Kin Hubbard.

I am so that I have had to put off the date of my death. - Bertnand Russel

My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for excercise. It registered seven on Richter scale. - Les Dawson.

At my age flowers scare me. - George Burns.

I am going home next week. It's a kind of emergency - my parents are coming here. - Rita Rudner.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. - Rita Rudner.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from the another. - H.L. Mencken.

Love is temporary insanity curable by marraige. - Ambrose Bierce.

I am the only man in the world with a marraige liscence made out "to whom it may concern". - Mickey Rooney.

Marraige is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel. - Leonardo da Vinci.

If you want the world to beat the path to your door, just try to take a nap on Saturday afternoon. - Sam Ewing.

We stayed at the Royal Martin Hotel where we collapsed into bed only to be eaten alive by mosquitos which could break a child's leg with a kick. - W.C. Fields.

Any resemblance between Chico and Harpo and living persons is purely coincidental. - Groucho Marx.

I never go to bed because so many people die there. - Mark Twain.

This time of year fills me with sadness. It was ten years ago today that I lost my wife. I'll never forget that poker game. - Henry Youngman.

Hello Aunty ... Hello ... Hows your throat now ?? .... Hello ... HELLO ......... - Tushar Kulkarni

I am my biggest critic, I mean to say by weight. - Tushar Kulkarni

Not everybody hates me; only the people who've met me. - Emo Philips.

I think women deserve to have more than twelve years between the ages of twenty-eight and forty. - James Thurber.

Bachelorhood, like being alive, is more depressing than anything but the known alternative. - P.J. O'Rourke

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half. - Gracie Allen.

All I desire for my own burial is not to be buried alive. - Lord Chesterfield.


My son has taken up meditation. At least it’s better than sitting and doing nothing. – Max Kauffman.

I cannot see why there is all this fuss about the human race being perhaps wiped out in the near future. It certainly deserves to be. – Philip Larkin.

My husband and I have discovered a foolproof method of birth control. An hour with kids before bedtime. – Roseanne Barr.

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom. – Bob Hope.

They told me that as I get older, I would get wiser. At that rate I should be a genius by now. – George Burns.

The trouble about being retired is that you never get a break from it. – Tom Farmer.

Meal time is the only time in the day when children resolutely refuse to eat. – Fran Lebowitz.

My uncle was a great man, he told me so himself. “I am a great man,” he said, and you cannot argue with facts like that. – Spike Milligan.

Personally, I have nothing against work, particularly when performed quietly and unobtrusively by someone else. – Barbara Ehrenreich.

I was in show business when the Dead Sea wasn’t even sick. – George Burns.

Dear wife, I acknowledge receipt of your complaint number 387,501. – W.C. Fields.

The morning the wife and I broke up broke up you could hear a pin drop in your house. I didn’t see the hand grenade in her other hand. – Roy Brown.

A man who won’t lie to a woman has very little considerations for her feelings. – Olin Miller.

She said she would scream for help. I told her I didn’t need any help. – Bob Hope.

I don’t know if he is dead or not, but they took the liberty of burying him. – James Joyce.

Of all forty-two alternatives, running away is best. – Will Rogers.

I am the oldest man living, especially at seven in the morning. – Robert Benchley.

I hate the word housewife; I don’t like the word home-maker either. I want to be called “domestic goddess”. – Roseanne Barr.

If you have never seen a total eclipse just watch the groom at a wedding. – Herbert V. Prochnow.

True maturity is reached only when a man realizes he has become a father figure to his girlfriends’ boyfriends: and he accepts it. – Larry McMurty.

When in doubt, use brute force. – Ken Thompson.

Although I am prepared for martyrdom, I was willing to have it postponed. – Winston Churchill.

It is an unwritten law that teenagers must dress alike to assert their independence. – Joyce Armor.

Am I happy? What do you take me for, an idiot? - Charles De Gaulle.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house and she said “Get the hell of my property.” - Joan Rivers.

Nothing you can’t spell will ever work. – Will Rogers.

May your troubles in the coming New Year be as short-lived as your resolutions. - E.C. McKenzie.

When you get married, the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to. - Yakov Smirnoff.

A sweater is a garment worn by a child when its mother is feeling chilly. – Ambrose Bierce.

My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. – George Carlin.


Media :

A woman complimenting me on my act one night told me she hadn't laughed so much since her husband died. - Victor Borge.

Del Prete has as much charm as a broomstick with a smile painted on it. - John Simon

TV is a wonderful invention. It lets a person in New York see someone in Los Angeles suffering from acid indigestion. - Jack Cassidy.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television. - Fred Allen.

Never judge a book by its movie. J.W.Eagan.

I am an honest plagarist. I accept that I plagarise, but wont say what. - Tushar Kulkarni

Radio and Television sure are funny - all except the comedy programs. - Fred Allen.

The critics were very kind to our film. It was the word of mouth that killed it. - Arthur Askey.

Television is chewing gum for the mind. - Frank Lloyd Wright.

In every movie scene which includes a person carrying a bag of groceries, the bag will invariably contain a long, skinny French baguette loaf, and exactly 8.5 inches will be exposed. - Michael J. Pilling.

A party was thrown in Hollywood in 1966 for the wrap up of the Marlon Brando film A Countess from Hong Kong. The party was such a success and the film such a flop, it was suggested that they should dump the film and release the party. - Brian Behan.

Several tons of dynamite are set off in the movie Tycoon; none of it under the right people. - John Agee.

The only good acting you see nowadays is from the losing nominees on Oscar Night. - Will Rogers.

Bo Derek does not understand the concept of Roman Numerals. She thought we fought in World War eleven. - Joan Rivers.

There was a vaudeville actor who died and left an estate of eight hundred hotel and Pullman towels. – W.C. Fields.

My performance in Hamlet was not as bad as the critics claimed. I neither waived to my friends in the audience not walked through the scenery. – Kenneth Tynan.

Lillian Gish may be a charming person, but she is not Ophelia. She comes on stage as if she had been sent out for to sew rings on the new curtains. – Mrs. Patrick Campbell.

Jamie Lee Curtis has trouble learning her lines because English is not her first language. She doesn’t, unfortunately, have a first language. – John Cleese.

Godspell is back in London. For those who missed it the first time, this is a golden opportunity to miss it again. – Michael Billington.

I’m glad you liked my portrayal of Catherine the Great. I liked her too. She ruled over thirty million people and had three thousand lovers. I do the best I can in two hours. – Mae West.
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